Lovefool

When I get bored of my predictable yet random shuffle of my ipod, I switch to the radio or xm to listen to music that wouldn't usually be on my playlist. So I was listening to XM 22 and "Lovefool" by The Cardigans came on. I started belting out a toon as I was stuck in typical traffic, and really listened to the words. I mean, I remember having this song on my myspace profile years ago, and it was just a lovey dovey happy-go-lucky song that made me happy to sing to because it was so up beat. But, me, a lovefool? Honestly, I couldn't say it wasn't true, I mean, I'm not called Heart for no reason.

"Love me, love me, say that you love me"

MHBP met up tonight and we went to Ten Ren's for some good food, and of course good talks. from "good girl handshakes" to "FML scenarios" I always get all three sides from you two girls, who knew we'd be having such intellectual conversations at the mere age of twenty, and Nikki has yet to catch up to us! Forreal though, I wouldn't be able to get through my "tougher" times without you two, I love you girls. MHBP forever and always<3


Found this on Perez Hilton

"I don't like being single, no. I live a fantastic life, full of all these magical things, and at the end of the day all I want to do is pick up the phone and share it with someone. The other day I'd sold a million records in the US and I didn't have anyone to tell. It was actually a really lonely moment." - Katy Perry

...and where does the line end between nostolgia and truth? whew...that was a CLOSE CALL. Someone up there really is being entertained, or maybe it's just Nikki lol

called it.

I knew it.

So tomorrow Friday and I am so fricken excited for the Memorial Day weekend!! Finally get to go back home an be with my family, Jinger and I have special treats for Niki's 20th birthday on Saturday, it's about fricken time you caught up to us! Sunday is Tita Ching's birthday, so I think we're taking her to California's Adventure because she's never been! Tomorrow I have a midterm in my Poly Sci class that I've been crunching to study for. I am so over school, I hate school.

I talked to Tracy last night while on aim, I told her I loved her and that she was a huge part of my life since 9th grade. I also spent most of my evening with Nikki, after I rushed from work to try and make it to Jody's Bust Out of the Bubble sesh in Montecito's dorms. I am so proud of you Jody, seriously! I say with great honor, when I tell people "that's my roomie!!" Nikki and I went to Ten Ren's and I filled her in. We had a great conversation, always do don't we Nik? I mean, why not? We've got nothing else to lose..speaking of late nights, Byron thank you so much for being patient, or trying to at least, with me last night. I know I am the most stubborn person of life, and that it was getting annoying for you to keep talking to circles. Trust me when I say, I am listening to you, but I still need to question myself because well no one's perfect, and I'm just good at making "excuses." Don't give me that title, not yet, give me a chance to make the decisions on my own, with the help of the your wisdom and guidance, because you know me, I can't take one side or the other, I have to find a comfortable place that will make sense of it all. I promise I've been thinking about everything you told me, and breaking everything down not only with what you've given to me, but with I've given to myself, and a selected few. So whatever you, I, or anyone else in this subject matter wanna call it, it is itching away in my brain and I'm trying to rest in peace [no pun intended] but I still need to figure out what my peace is. Nonetheless, my point is, thank you for being there for me regardless on my behavior last night, and not judging me [kind of LOL]. Oh and in case you were wondering, I would've won the bet if we shook on it, haha.

Cheryl left for San Jose this afternoon, I haven't seen nor talked to her in ages, I miss her. I texted her today to tell her to have a safe flight and whatnot. With Jacqui moving out after this quarter ends, Cheryl will be moving in taking her place. I'm gonna miss being annoying with Jacqui and yelling at Allyson, or just yelling and singing obnoxiously in general hahaha good times.

One more week and I am free.

1,2,3,4...five.

is it over yet...is this what it feels like to really cry?

Did you say it...?

So it's the season when all the tv shows I watch are slowly coming to and end, and season finale galore begins with the much expected cliff hangers, cheers of joy, and most of all, tears of sadness. Last Thursday I watched the season finale of Grey's Anatomy, and all I can say is, if you didn't watch it, you definitely missed out. I know the show has had it's ups and downs, and most definitely its share of cliff hangers, but the season finale was most definitely a HUGE tear jerker for me. I don't wanna go into details because I hate giving away "surprises" I'm no spoiler. But I will mention something that Meredith says in the last five minutes of the episode that got me thinking...and I haven't stopped. I guess you could say as I wipped my tears away, I had an epiphany of all sorts.

"Did you say it? I love you. I don't ever wanna live without you. You changed my life. Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal, work toward it. But every now and then, look around, drink it in. Because this is it, it might all be gone tomorrow." - Meredith Grey

I'm not trying to be a big cheese ball, but after this episode, Ate Paw and I had thee most amazing conversation of life. A talk that really can't be explained except to say that self realization has amazing time, to say the least. I never realized how much I wanted to tell you something until this past weekend. I never realized how wise you've made me, how I can make sense of things, only if the subject is you. I never realized how important it was to me, and how I've been hiding behind this guard I've managed to create around me. We all have our secrets, but it's up to us to take the initiative to say it. But before I can say it to you, I have to be able to admit it to myself. How familiar to hear...it's now or never.

"Love conquers all, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Love never fails."

FRANK FROM POST SECRET

Something weird happened today. I woke up and i just felt sad. I don’t really know what’s wrong but i just felt depressed. I’m happy and glad that my mom is here with me right now but i have this internal emotion of depression. I’m confuse. I’m tired. I don’t know what’s wrong. Help?

I don't wanna wake up one morning wondering what if, what if I told you my secret, would it leave me at defeat? No biggie, no hard feelings, nothing to lose. I don't wanna wake up one morning not knowing the difference between settling, making myself happy, and actually being happy. I love you cousin, but I know there's "better" out there, or for lack of better words, there's "happier" for you. The kind of "happier" that comes with BEING, rather than MAKING. I can't stress that enough that although it may not seem like it's "worth" it to go back into the unknown, I can't say myself that I would regret being sucked into that black hole of the unknown, if I came out with Heaven on Earth. And I know you will to, I know with taking that step outside rather than settling for the inside will work out for you...and me. At the end of the day, it's the difference between if red or blue is worth it, and if red will slowly turn into a blue number 2, but really if you know your own worth, because it's so much more than blue knows. I love you cousin, so just do it...and I will to.

Masquerade

With every new beginning, there is a beautiful ending..and Bmod, we like to end things with a BANG! Thus, Barkada Modern's annual banquet! This year's theme, A Black and White Masquerade, I'm super excited because I already found a date moohaha Ate Paw of course! I already started making my mask, almost done, it's looking pretty snazzy! And on the topic of arts and crafts, that was totally the theme in my household this past weekend. From Friday all the way to Sunday night, Ate Paw, Jeremy and I were in and out of Michael's Craft Store for various things we wanted to make. I forgot how much I loved making things, i felt like a little kid again almost, but less sloppy LOL I made my mask for banquet, a flower headband [thanks ate paw], and some gifts for Brittany since she recently crossed Omega Zeta Chi!

Week 8 of Spring Quarter `09, I'm sooo over school. Made an appointment with my advisor for tomorrow, planning on talking about my future with him and my intentions on "moving forward" in this busy, fast paced industry!

p.s.

...I guess I'm back to square one.

Mutual

I finally uploaded my pictures from WOD, Fusion, and Ultimate Brawl onto facebook. Took me long enough right? I really should be writing my Philosophy paper right now, but all this reading about what is real and what isn't got me thinking. How do we really truly know what can be justified and what can't? I'm no philosopher, but after reading a few chapters, and catching up, the book had a great impact on me, and really got me to question myself, and how I got to today. I know, I try to live day by day, with a slight scheduled path thanks to my planner to keep my life a bit more organized, but lately I've been finding myself going home, back to my roots a lot. Scratch that, I pretty much go home EVERY SINGLE DAMN chance I get..even now, knowing I have an 8am class tomorrow, and the 91 westbound is ALWAYS traffic, I went home. Is it because I feel like I can make a difference if I were closer? Maybe because due to economic difficulties, I'm trying to prove a point to my parents. Idunno. I spent Mama's Day with my family, and it was such an amazing breathe of fresh air. I had a really good conversation with Ate Paw, sadly I've been left out of the loop due to my absence from the outside world. Lola is looking a bit better, I'm waiting and dreading for the 17th to come, hoping for the best. I pray every day. And then there's the 15 min or so text conversation I had with him on my Mom's birthday. It wasn't much, but it too was a breathe of maybe not fresh or new but rather, untouched air. It's been kept in the closet for a while collecting dust, I wanna clearly say I will always support you in what you do, and although we can't talk about it right now, you know I'm a hand up if you ever feel like everyone else is just letting you down. You were there for me in all my competitions and shows, even if you couldn't make it, I remember the texts of "gluck," it meant a lot, especially since my family lost support in me a long time ago.

I had lunch with Brandon today, I envy his happiness with Tiffany. I love the fact that he can come to me and talk about how wonderful his day was, just because of the little things. I'm happy for you Brandon! I guess lately I've just been feeling very nostalgic. And not about anything specific, bbut about a lot of things. I visisted my Lolo on Mom's Day wkend also, and standing there, talking him, picking at the flowers that stood so perfectly in his vase, I got sad because I couldn't even remember the last time I visited. And then I just got dissappointed in myself, knowing that I would always make time to visit him at least once every two weeks since college started, somewhere along the line, I lost my contact from the outside world, and lost track of time of when was the last time I drove to see him. Tomorrow is gonna be a dreadful day, I hate my classes because they are so boring, and they lag until 4pm. I want summer to come already, it'll get my mind off things, help me shake this feeling.

Dear God,

I pray she'll be okay =/
idunno if I can go through this horrible process again...

Amen.